The Contrast

The Contrast
Lift Big, Sing Big, Look Great Doing It.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Don't be a Basic Bro

Don't get me wrong, I'm a bro, and I'm all about the bro lifestyle. I lift big, eat copious amounts of animals, partake in the spirits, and, when my schedule allows it, I like to rage.

But, there is a difference between being a bro of the universe, and being a Basic Bro.

A Basic Bro can reveal himself in many ways. He's usually the first to vomit at a party but also the one tryin to hook up with all of the girls at the party at the same time in hopes of creating some kind of giant mega orgy where he is the only male.

Basic bros come in all forms. They be shapeshifters, yo! However, basic bros have no choice but to let down their camouflage in the gym. 

Basic Bros be Like:

Curlin in the squat rack.

Basic Bros don't give a fuck. Number 1 priority is to get those biceps a goin so they can have a sick pump while they workout. Plus, biceps are priority because they are the most seen muscle. You can cover up your legs, chest and back, but any time you wanna wear something that doesn't have long sleeves, people are judging your gains. Basic bros wanna feel like they are in the cage when they are doin their curls, and frankly they are savin some bro from wastin their time on squats.

Takin selfies on the gym floor

You've successfully achieved something resembling a pump from 13 sets of bicep based exercises. You now need to capture the evidence that you have visible muscles in your arms by taking a selfie and share it via instagram, snapchat, or if you're really likin the results, facebook and twitter. At first it's smooth and sly, lookin around and seeing if anybody is watchin before snappin. Next thing you know, your shirt is off and you're looking for optimal lighting.

Miss, I'm sorry but you have to keep your shirt on....Oh, Mr. Bieber, I didn't recognize you.

Offering people fitness advice at the gym when not asked for it.

You're a basic bro, you've done some basic bro youtube research, so now you're an expert on human anatomy and sports science. You see another bro doing sumo deadlifts and you just saw a video about how sumo deadlifts are basically cheating because the shortened range of motion and how it doesn't activate as much muscle fibers. That guy needs to know RIGHT NOW! You walk over to him and let him know that he's not being very optimal with his workout and you're surprised when he gives you the biggest "go fuck yourself" look you've ever received. You were just lookin out for his gains, no one else in that gym was.

"Hey, bro, do you need a spot, you need to stay above parallel for constant tension. Srs."

Power screamin for their unnecessary 1 rep maxes.

You've been working out a few months, you're feelin good. You're thinkin, it's time to put up some P.R's, y'all. I'm going in their today and wrecking shop, lifting 500lbs on my dead lift, benchin 280, and doing some squats...nah, just playin, fuck legs.

You take as much pre workout as you can, so you can get so buzzed that you can't even feel the injuries you're about to sustain. You feel like the hairs on your body are cactus quills, and you have a crazy erection you can't get rid of for some reason...

First you see the bench. She's yours. Take her. Fuck warm ups. Stack on 3 plates each side and HIT THIS! A blood vessel pops in your eye as you start stackin the weights, you are so pumped. Miley Cirus Wrecking ball is blasting in your eyes, you're pacing around the gym, looking like you're going to punch a toddler. You charge the bench, throw that weight up into the air and let the bar about and inch. Then lock those elbows hard and re-rack the weight. You don't need to touch your chest, constant tension brah, You got that. #Strongestmuthafuckainthegym

Straight up Dragon Ball Z status

Showing off way too much nipple.

Basic Bros wanna show off their gains. The number one gains display of choice is the stringer. Depending on what string you're wearing, you're showin off some major gains. Back, delts, arms, and chest. You've got some weird nipples because you experimented with testosterone boosters and got a bit of gyno, but you're still jacked cheddar, brah, people got to see these gains.

Problem. You spent all your dough on shots last night and your last roommate stole your nice golds gym stringer. Time to be innovative, little MacGyver, time to make your own stringer. You grab an old t shirt that says something like "Football" on it, because you're an athlete and people need to know. You start by cutting off the sleeves. Looks good, but the size makes you look small. So you cut off more sleeve, and make the sides go down low. fuck this, lets cut it down to the bottom on the arm wholes, cut it wider so you can see more chest and lat. Fuck, that looks good.

All the nipple.

Bringin in a crew to workout with.

Just like the mighty ducks, you never fly solo. You gotta have a crew, and ideally, a big enough crew where no one is getting a good workout in today. You're there to make some noise and see who can curl the most before they tear their bicep.There is no rotation order, only the biggest dude calling all the other guys pussies until they hop on that bench and have to have 135 pulled off of their chest.

Doing an exercise with such incorrect form, you're not even sure what they're tryin to do anymore.


You've gotten real srs (that' serious) about your gym time. It's time to make some fuckin gains this year. Mad gains. You did some more research, and by that you asked that one yolked dude how he got his gains and he described to you a perfect blend of chest and bicep activation in one exercise, now you're stoked. You snort a line of pre-workout and you go for it. Things sound like they're that blood....Oh, God...the room is spinning. Shit....I got 4 more sets....where is my pre workout, I need another bump.

Spending way too much money on gym apparel. 


Your money has two priorities. Booze and bitches. After that, it's lookin fly 24/7. And now since you're a gym rat with some GAINZ, you gotta look the part and sport that gym lifestyle look. Don't be caught dead wearin anything that didnt cost below 60$ in the gym. Are you a fool? Did you grow up poor? did? So, get a mutha fuckin credit card, it's like free money, yo. Now you can get those shoes, dem under armour everythings, and enough accessories to establish you're there to workout. Get yourself that classy ass gym bag. Hell yeah. Now that you're walking around in a grand worth of gym gear, you're finally ready to make some gains.

Doin way more talkin than liftin.


You gotta take rest in between your sets to get optimal gains. You read this in Men's Fitness, and that shit is basically a scientific journal for muscle gains. You're takin that advice, so you're strikin up convos with your assembled gym crew, or if they can't make it, the biggest bro in the gym (other than you, no doubt) and you're swapin tips (no homo.) Before you know it, an hour has passed and you've barely done 3 sets between the two of you. No big, you achieved optimal gains with those 1 and half sets, you can tell.

Always making excuses for skippin leg day.


They didn't invent exercise pants to show off your legs, they invented them to hide them. I use my legs for walkin, I don't "work them out" they get enough stimulation when I take the stairs up to the VIP section in the club. Plus, last time you did squats, you threw up and that shit aint fun unless you've been takin jaeger bombs. 

Actually, at first I wrote this because I was trying to make sure nobody was becoming a basic bro, but fuck that. I'm gonna go snort some pre-workout, put on a stringer and hit the curl rack with about twenty of my bros. See you bitches later.

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