The Contrast

The Contrast
Lift Big, Sing Big, Look Great Doing It.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Your Gym Equipment Sucks.

*Warning* I think I was displacing anger from other aspects of my life this past week, mostly professional - not aimed at anyone, all self disappointment thingy stuff - so I aimed all of my aggression towards these idiotic machines. The product was absurd, ruthless and somewhat entertaining. Enjoy.

I often talk about equipment that I love and use on the daily, and the suggested exercises to get you the best results for pretty much any demand or goal. *cough cough* Bench, Squat wrack, Pull up bar *cough cough*

However, I don't really talk about (as openly anyway) all of the gym crap that I hate...I've literally come to hate this equipment. It makes me mad to look at it for too long. I get caught glaring at it's basic absurdity and it's power to convince people to waste time and energy on it and before I know it Mr. Furious erupts.

Before I get going, let me start by saying that I've used all of this equipment before...all of it. Using this crap comes from going to the gym without a plan and just going ham on all the equipment in hopes of obtaining your goals. I've learned the error of my ways, y'all. I've come to discover that all of this shit is exactly that: A big steaming pill of unnecessary crap. It wastes my space.

So, I'm sure this list will grow, but I've decided to compile a list of gym equipment that gets my "fuck off" award.

1.) The Leg Curl

This piece of shit. In my own personal experience, any time I've tried to load enough weight on this thing to be effective, it's felt like it was going to tear out my tendons. Like all of these machines, it's meant to fit all sorts of individuals, but I've never seen a machine that actually fits anyone well. But seriously, though: Fuck this machine. I mean, the only real purpose of this machine is to target your hamstring muscles. How many of you actually know what those look like?

Just for your education

Bringing up your hamstrings should really only be a concern if you're a body builder. If you're an average joe, you won't really notice if your hams are lagging, and even if you do, this machine is barely gonna do you any good. If you're really interested in "bringing up your hammys" I suggest you ditch this piece of shit and start Deadlifting, or at the very least straight leg Deadlifting.

2.) Machine Ab crunch

Most people ignorantly hop onto this thing and think it will burn the fat off of their stomach, revealing their rippling six pack. I've literally explained to THOUSANDS that you can't spot train and expect to reduce fat in just one area. Most people nod their heads in agreement and then ask again "will this machine burn my belly fat?" God. Dammit. I'm never rude to a person, especially a member of the gym I'm working for, but when someone asks me advice and I give it to them and then they immediately demonstrate that they weren't listening to a word I was saying...I get a little frustrated. This machine won't do ANYONE any good. I've never met one person with well developed abs (2, 4, or six pack, whatever you consider well developed) use this piece of shit. It's usually crowded with people who few pounds to lose. And It's not entirely their fault. This bull shit shouldn't even exist to trick people to use it. It's some kind of siren on a rock begging people to waste their time on it. Next time you see this machine, spit on it. Tell it Ol' Yeargain sends his regards.

3.) the oblique trainer

The ugly bastard child of the machine ab crunch. People gravitate to this for the same reasons as the ab crunch: the spot train lie that people teach themselves. Trust me, this is assumed, not learned. Anyone that would preach it would be crucified by the fitness community as well as by any basic bro scientist. Let me continue by saying that even if your goal is to "tone" your belly, this will do the exact opposite. If this device even fuckin worked, it would grow the size of your waist, not thin it out and make you more hour glass or v tapered...Which I can only assume why someone would think to use it, because a power lifter or athlete would not use this. If you're not either of these, then I have to assume your goals are aesthetic in nature.

One more thing, most people don't realize that this thing adjusts to favor one side, so they just sit on it with it set to the middle and they twist like a damn fool, clanking the weights on the side over and over again until they grow embarrassed by their noise and shyly wipe down the machine and leave with their heads sunk in shame. Fuck this machine.

3.) Those giant balls...What are they? Medicine balls? What the hell is it??

This. What the hell is this thing?! We've been suckered into paying for a child's play thing to "make our bodies better." I've seen every fucking variation of stupidity on this thing...this whole fascination with activating your core and how it's going to get you to be stronger and better. It's called lifting heavy weight, you're already stimulating "core activation" by doing heavy bench press, squats, deadlifts and overhead presses. Get that damn ball out of my weight room. You look like a fool. You're not a circus bear, you're a human. Do some squats for crying out loud.

NOOOO!!!! Not like that!!! Dammit! NO!

4.) All of this rehab bullshit.

This nonsense belongs in a rehab center where you're being monitored by someone looking out for your best interests, not just piled around for a bunch of yolos to make up bull shit to waste time with. You better actually need some kind of rehabilitation if you're in this part of the gym. Like really handicapped. Fused bones and shit. None of this "I'm sore after I squat." You should consider doing more than one leg day a week then, you fool.

5.) The Muthah Fuckin Calf raise.

Your calves are going to be naturally strong. You've been running and jumping around since you were a child. They are what they are. This machine is a waste of time and the range of motion is ridiculous. Are you really going to load on a shit ton of plates to insure progressive overload to a muscle that almost never gets great development. This thing is more apt to tear your achilles tendon right out of your leg than make your gastrocnemius (that's nerd talk for dem calves) start to sprout. Strangely enough, the people that tend to have the best calves are power lifters. Oh, and what do they do? That's right, squats, deadlifts and bench with leg drive. Figures.

6.) All of these weighted balls.

People have been taught to think that these balls will actually do them good. I know one gentleman that likes to slam a weighted medicine ball over...and over...and over...and OVER. Yeah, it's as annoying as it sounds. And what for? Cardio? Did you read that in a magazine? Where do these ideas come from? I see everybody wasting their time with these obnoxious spheres. They "blast" their abs by trying to make up some kind of "let's play catch" game with a workout partner...I'm not a dog, and neither are you. I don't play catch with people who aren't throwing me a football, a baseball, or in some cases, a wiffle ball. If you toss this at me, I'm gonna be pissed. I train my abs with something called squats, over head press, and deadlifts.

Breathe, Ol''re starting to bleed out of your eyes.

Do you know why people like these exercises and machines? Because they're fucking easy and people have egos. (Not to be confused with eggos. Leggo my eggo!!!) Instead of starting from scratch and learning strong basics in exercises that will change their lives, they want to load up a calf raise machine and prove to the gym that they aren't good at another aspect of their lives. Ol' Yeargain is not very strong for his age, height and weight. There are kids in their late teens that are 30lbs lighter, and not as tall that can smoke me in the weight room, and they're shredded. That doesn't keep me from doing the exercises that are the hardest, heaviest and most challenging. How do you think those kids got that way? Good genetics and youth, yes. But, also: bench, squat, deadlifts with enough High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) to obliterate any fat on their body. Do the things that will actually work and you will be pleased with the results.

Alright, I think I've cursed enough to insure I will never be employed again. But, I needed that. I was starting to reach a boiling point with all of this stuff. Too many yolos, not enough patience makes Ol' Yeargain a very grumpy boy. Rage all you want. That's what my comment section is for.


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